You make me smile...

Oh the lack of "think before you speak" a two year old has! Apparently my kid is psychic, because every time she does something, she knows what I am going to say and says it before I even have a chance! Although Aubrey has yet to make me want to crawl under a table and hide, she does have a few cute things I just have to share...

This morning out of nowhere, she let out this monster sneeze. Before I could even say a word, she looked at me with a concerned face and said, "Bless you Honey!" Aubrey has recently learned that after we take a sip of milk or juice, the sippy cup goes on the table, not the floor; so every time she puts it on the table, she says, "Good girl Honey!" After almost every diaper change, I hear, "I all better?" Oh, and I love love love the next few...In the mornings, I usually wake up to a little blonde girl about one inch from my face saying, "I wuv you." That right there is enough to make for a great day. When we go down for nap time, Aubrey sometimes rubs the side of my face very gently and just looks into my eyes. Man I could go on forever!

After reading the last paragraph, I know what some of you mamma's are thinking. "She still let's her kid sleep in their bed?" and "Why isn't she potty trained yet?" Well, to be honest, I am only working on one of those topics presently. Let's talk about the sleeping arrangement first...I work twelve hour shifts, 5:00 to 5:00. It flip flops every month whether I work days or nights. When I work nights, as you can imagine, I cannot get home soon enough (as my co workers will confirm, due to a slight lead foot). I am a dispatcher at a Sheriff's Office, so you can probably imagine some of the calls we take. All I want to do is get home and crawl into bed because I know there is a healthy, beautiful, innocent angel waiting for me. My husband leaves for work when I get home, so I get to curl up to my Lil' Lady by myself! I usually watch her sleep and listen to her breathe, while thanking God she is ours, before going to sleep.

On to potty training...Wow it is hard to potty train! Aubrey was showing absolutely NO interest in the subject until I was told to buy the "Elmo Potty Time" video (thanks Joy ;). That has now become Aubrey's obsession. We watch Elmo on a daily occurrence more than I would like to admit. I actually know the songs! Anyways, since we got the video, she wants to sit on her pink little potty chair at night before bed! We are making progress!

This last story will tell you what the heck Aubrey was doing in the picture above. I shape my eyebrows ALL THE TIME. So the other day when I was doing just that, I had to run to the other room for I swear ONE second. When I came back, Aubrey was trying to pluck her own eyebrows!!! She is very sensitive, so every time she does something cute and I laugh, she cries. It took everything I had not to bust out when I saw this! No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't contain it, so....she cried! I'm sorry Aubrey you are just too cute!

I never knew...

I never thought it would be cute when my child colored all over the coffee table. I never knew that while trying to get mad, you wouldn't be able to wipe that big grin off your face? I never knew my heart could go from extreme joy while watching my little girl play on the couch, to such guilt when she falls off. And when she dumps her soup all over the kitchen floor just to draw shapes in it with her fingers?....I never knew I would sit next to her and make my own shapes. Did you know you could wake from a dead sleep and get across the house in 2 seconds flat just to calm a crying child? When you are starving, did you know you would stay hungry just to feed your baby first? Did you know it was possible to burst out in tears just because the love you feel is so overwhelming? And did you know you would sit in the bathroom that long just to play with rubber duckies and Barbies in the tub?Who knew that watching your child sleep in the morning would make your entire day better? Who knew you could feel like the luckiest person in the world just for knowing one tiny person? And who knew that you would lay down your own life in an instant just to save hers? Who knew, who knew?

We're home! Now what?...

The day we have been waiting for! January 16th, 2006 we brought our little pink bundle of joy home! How exciting, right? Well, yes, but I had been gone so long that home, didn't feel like home anymore. I actually missed the hospital because that was where I had spent the past two months. Still, to this day when I go to St. Cloud, I feel a little "at home". Steve was comfortable at home because he had been commuting every few days back and forth, but I hadn't. After we had been home for a while, Steve had to go check on things at the farm. There we were, Aubrey and I sitting on the couch wondering what to do! I know it sounds silly, but I had no clue what to do! I had a little bit of anxiety about being in my own home! I was pumping every two to three hours, so that kept me busy. Aubrey was sleeping most of the time, so I slept too. I felt like I wanted to watch her every second just to make sure she was breathing.

We actually were/are very lucky with Aubrey's sleep schedule. She has pretty much slept through the night since a few weeks after we got her home. Please don't hate me ladies, but I never had the "sleep deprivation" I hear so many suffer from! Thank you Aubrey! Weeew! I am a sleeper, so I'm sure our next child (if we are blessed with one) will keep me up all night just for saying that! (lol) There was only one night I had to put her in the car and drive around the gravel road.

We soon fell into our routine and things have been great ever since! Aubrey is now 27 months old! I like to call her my lil' Drama Queen, so if you hear me refer to her as "DQ" that is what I mean ;) I am so utterly in love with this girl. I don't remember what life was like before we had her. From this point on in this blog, I will be sharing stories and milestones. Steve and I plan on trying to go through in Vito again in the next year, so you will have to stay tuned for that whole process! Thanks for following us through our journey!

Life in the NICU...

In just a matter of hours, life had changed. I had just delivered (if you call ambushing me and pretty much cutting my baby out in seconds, delivery! lol) my Lil' Lady and was in recovery. I was so high that I really didn't even realize what had just happened! As my sister, Amber reminds me on a regular basis, I apparently looked at her with red eyes and said, "Now I am going to go tanning. And give me back my jeans!..I will fit into them now!" Nice, I know. The next two hours were also a blur. I remember asking if Aubrey was okay, and soon found out that a nurse can never tell you preemie babies are okay. Luckily for the staff at the hospital, I was very drugged up, otherwise there would have been ABSOLUTELY NO WAY they would've kept me from my whole life's purpose. My husband, Steve, had already met Aubrey. When they whisked her away to the NICU, just seconds after birth, he went with her; so that gave me some comfort knowing she was at least breathing (with help). We were told her apgar score was about 1.5.

Finally! We were moved to our room, aka home for the next two months. After getting situated, the nurse finally got me a wheel chair so I could go down the hall to the NICU to meet my world. Aubrey was in an isolette with tubes and a bunch of other things in and on her. She had a hat on which held her oxygen on. Her face was mostly covered, but I immediately saw that she was the most beautiful thing I had ever set eyes on. The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Omg she looks like Steve!" She was just perfect. I asked if I could hold her and they told me no. They then explained that preemies this early had very sensitive skin and it would be painful for Aubrey to be held. They also explained that if I wanted to touch her, I could, but that I could not stroke her skin. We could just lay our hands on her and that is it. Another reason being, when they are that early, they have "spells" which is where they stop breathing and their heart rate drops. I was assured Aubery would have these spells along the way. This was maybe the most terrifying thing I had ever heard! Aubrey was so early that someone notified our Pastor that we had delivered her. Pastor Maland came to baptize Aubrey "just in case". If you can believe it, it actually made me very mad! Not that he was there, because he is amazing and welcome anytime, but that people were actually questioning if our baby was going to live?!!! I knew she was going to make it, why didn't they? Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified at the mere thought of it, but my motherly instinct told me that she was a fighter. I finally got to hold her for a few minutes two days after she was born, Thanksgiving Day, 2006!

I spent pretty much ALL my time in the NICU in the following months. I had a hotel and Steve came when he could, which was often. He is a dairy farmer, so it was complicated. If I was not at the NICU, I was at the hotel sleeping. The first time I stepped foot out of the hospital was when my sister was bringing me to Target to print off some pictures to send home. I had a panic attack and just cried. At Target, I freaked again and made her bring me back immediately. I was by Aubrey's bed so much that the nurses tried to convince me to go get some sleep. All I could do was talk to her, pray, and read every single book on premature birth that I could get my hands on. I wanted to learn EVERYTHING about my daughter. In the NICU, nurses do what they call "cares" every three hours. This consists of taking the babies temperature, feeding, (through a tube in the nose) changing their diaper, and rotating their body so they don't have to stay in the same position all the time. Well, some mom's are too nervous they are going to hurt their babies because they are too small, which I totally understand, but I am her mom, I am going to do her cares! The nurses were very impressed by my instinct and immediate bond to Aubrey. I was always asking questions, and they were always willing to answer them.

Pretty much after the first few days of being in the NICU, Aubrey was doing better than expected. She only needed her C-Pap oxygen for two days. The main reason we had to stay was to simply let her grow and learn how to suck to eat. Her sucking reflex was not yet developed. We began being able to hold Aubrey whenever we wanted, as long as she would tolerate it; and by that I mean not have a spell. Sometimes when preemies get stressed out even from being touched too much, they will spell. One time I was holding Aubrey and Steve had left to go back home a few hours prior, I looked down at her and noticed she was turning blue! Her alarms started ringing and she had stopped breathing! The nurse came over and rubbed her on the chest. Sometimes all they have to do is "remind" them to breathe. Well, that wasn't working. I handed over my baby to the nurse and felt more horrified than one can even imagine. She had to manually pump oxygen into Aubrey's lungs. I had never seen anything like that, nor had I ever been that helpless, terrified, sad, and everything else. I went and called Steve bawling so hard that my head was in my hands. I made him come right back! I know it sounds weird, but I don't like to ask God for favors unless they are very important. I almost feel like I am "wasting" them if I use them on unimportant requests. This was a genuine plea to the Man above. "Please please please God, please! Let her be okay. If you want to take me, do it, as long as she is okay." She ended up being just fine, but I wasn't. In a split second, I could have lost my whole world, once again.

After that big scare, things went pretty smooth during the next two months in the hospital. We did, however, spend Aubrey's first: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Steve's birthday in the NICU. We would've been home sooner, but Aubrey was just not catching on to the sucking and eating thing.

My Pregnancy...

Although I would give almost anything to be in the position again, pregnancy was very rough on me. I was throwing up every day until I was 19 weeks along! I think this is when I started brushing my teeth in the shower! About once or twice a week I drove to Urgent Care for IV's because I was so dehydrated. My "baby bump" was noticeable at about 8 weeks! By this time I looked about four months along! Now I don't know if that is because the fertility drugs made my bump bigger, or if I (secretly) felt I could release my faithful belly that had against it's will kept itself sucked in for the past year (wink wink).

We had an ultrasound scheduled at about two months along. This was the day we would find out if one, or both of the fertilized eggs had implanted. We already knew we had one, but did the other one take too? Steve was guessing we were having twins; I thought just one. The technician put the doplar on my belly and I wasn't sure if I was looking at a weather forecast, one baby, two babies, or something from Mars! I anxiously watched his face for any clues. "Well, it looks like ONE baby!" he said. Steve was surprised, I was not. Two would have been great, but if God was willing to give us this one baby, we were happy.

Then came the next big milestone...gender day!!! I was only sixteen weeks along, but my doctor was fun and curious herself! There I was again, watching her face in anticipation. Steve and I both were 110% sure that it was a boy for some reason, but once again, didn't care. I think deep down every girl wants a baby girl. Dr. Johnson looked at us and said, "It's a girl!" We were shocked! We just knew it was a boy! I was ecstatic! Steve, one the other hand said he was scared to death because he had NO idea how to raise a girl; in fact was terrified she would be like me! (lol)

Funny story time ladies...As we all know, hormones pretty much make you wonder if you are bipolar, or just craaaazy during pregnancy right? Well here is proof...My husband leaves for work at around 6:00 in the morning. I decided to get up with him one morning and give him a hug. Now keep in mind that it is still dark at 6:00 in Minnesota. There we were in the living room sharing a nice hug when all of the sudden..."Dear God what is that?!!!" In a totally calm voice, Steve says, "Sadie, that would be a coyote." For those of you that do not know me personally, I am pretty much afraid of my own shadow, so this "coyote" was Armageddon in my book. Ready for the funny/pathetic part? I started crying because I was convinced that as soon as my husband left for work, that beast was going to jump through my living room window and eat me!!! Go ahead friends, have a chuckle at my expense.

What did I do next? Went and bought everything I possibly could in pink! I was in total "nesting" mode. I started a scrap book for our little Aubrey Gera. The name Aubrey comes from a couple meanings; one of my best friends is named Bri, I was supposed to be named Audra, and there was a really pretty chick in a band called "Danity Kane" named Aubrey. Gera comes from my husbands father, Gerald, who unfortunately passed away when Steve was three years old.

This was about the time I asked Steve the "dreaded favor" that nobody wants to be asked, I never thought it would actually become reality. As you all know, we had a very tough time becoming pregnant. Being a mom is the very reason I was put on this earth. From the moment I found out we were expecting, I was a mom. As many of you also know, when you are pregnant, you dream up a ton of scenarios and think about almost everything that could possibly happen. I don't know if it was God's way to somehow prepare me for what was in store or what, but one day out of the blue, I looked at Steve and said, "Hun, I need a promise from you?" ( He looked up at me with a worried oh Sadie now what look) "If for any reason something were to come up during the remainder of the pregnancy, or during the birth where I become unresponsive, "Sadie stop!!!" Steve, this is something that I have thought about and need you to know. I need you to promise me that if it comes down to it, you save HER. He just looked at me with a blank stare and said, "That is not going to happen and I am not even going to imagine that happening". I knew I had to drop it right there, but at least I said what I wanted too.

Then one day, it happened...

At 30 weeks along, I was at the Dr. for a check up and my blood pressure was high. They told me to go to the hospital just for monitoring, to be safe. The rest is a blur....All of the sudden, my mom and sister were crying and calling Steve to tell him to get there right away. I was told Life Flight was on the way and that mine and my unborn baby's lives were seriously in danger. I was told I was suffering from Preeclampsia. I remember seeing a pastor in the room with me; my mom said he was reading my last rights (for the third time in my life) but I couldn't hear him. All I knew was that I was being airlifted to St. Cloud. We got to St. Cloud and I was immediately prepped for an emergency c-section. I told them I wanted to wait for Steve. They were not waiting, but he got there just in time! All I remember from that point was seeing doctors and nurses everywhere and my stomach being pulled on sooo hard, but it didn't hurt?! Next thing I saw were two of the smallest legs I had ever seen! It was my baby!!! She was not breathing and only weighed 2lbs 11oz and was 15 inches long! They helped her breath and brought her to the NICU. I did not get to see her for about two hours.

Let's start at the beginning...

Hey guys! My husband Steve and I have been together for twelve years, married for six. We knew we wanted to start a family right away and began trying so. After about two years of "no luck" we were frustrated. We didn't know why we weren't getting pregnant; especially when EVERYONE around us was announcing their great news! Seriously? What kind of water were these people drinking?!! We knew the days of ovulation, and all the silly tricks!

By this point, we should have had stock in "First Response" pregnancy tests because I pretty much bought them in bulk! You know exactly what I am talking about ladies, the ones that tell you five days before your annoying bff comes? Yup, them ;) I went in the bathroom before I was even late and HOLY CRAP!!!! OMG OMG!!! This can't be right! Can this not be right? Nope, I know it's not right, right? I have taken a million of these things and not one has ever turned pink! My heart started racing and I finally decided to believe it! I went into the storage room and dug out the "Daddy I'm on my way" letter I had made for my husband a looong time ago to give him the day I found out we were expecting. (along with all the baby clothes I had been buying for years hehe ;) I drove to his farm, which is about two miles from our house and stood in the driveway like a kid waiting to open Christmas gifts as he walked toward me to see what the heck was wrong with me since I very seldom go to the farm! I handed him the letter and he looked up at me with the most amazing grin I had ever seen. We just hugged, both scared that something would happen in the next eight months to crush us, yet overcome with extreme joy.

Things were going great until I went to the bathroom one day when I was eight weeks along and noticed some spotting. Steve and I immediately went to the doctor and received the news...it was a tubal pregnancy aka ectopic pregnancy. We were devastated. My Dr. gave me a shot to dissolve the pregnancy before it ruptured my fallopian tube, which could be fatal. How could we go from never being this excited, to never being this sad?

Our Dr. then decided it would be a good idea to do exploratory surgery to see what was going on inside my body. When I woke up, she explained to us that my fallopian tubes were basically shot. She concluded that when my appendix ruptured when I was five, the poison ate through my tubes and made it impossible for anything to pass through them successfully. She then explained that if I did not get my tubes tied, this would keep happening. She also explained that In Vito fertilization would be our only option to become biological parents. We knew exactly what to do next. Oddly enough, we accepted this and immediately made an appointment to tie my tubes. A few weeks later, we went to the cities for a consultation at the reproductive clinic. The cost was going to be about $15,000.00 and the success rate would hover around the 50-60% range. Luckily, at the time we were able to come up with the finances to move forward with the procedure.

Here we go! We got home and I started my meds! Actually Steve started my meds; which included 1-3 shots daily in the tummy and booty...ouchie! I didn't care about the pain; if that is what it was going to take to make us parents, bring on the needles! I also had to drive to the cities (about 150 miles one way) 2-3 times a week for ultrasounds and blood tests to give the doctors a close look at how my hormones were progressing. We were getting close to "retrieval" day! That is the day when my body would be at peak and they would go in and extract the eggs from my ovaries and add Steve's sperm in a dish for fertilization. Well, with in Vito meds, there is a very small chance the body could go into "hyper stimulation" and the procedure has to be called off. Hyper stimulation is where the body kinda freaks out and goes into crazy mode, producing waaay to many eggs; this too could be fatal for the mother if doctors procede with the retrieval. You guessed it..I hyper stimulated the day before the big day! Lucky me! So, we went home and felt sorry for ourselves. It was all over.

A few months later, once my body had had enough time to re cooperate, we started the process again. After another two months of shots, meds, and ultrasounds, we were at retrieval day!!! I was in a cold room on a cold bed waiting for them to put me under! Steve was sitting by my head the whole time. After I was out, they inserted a HUGE monster needle up into my cervix and into the ovaries to extract as many eggs as they could get in one "poke". Next thing I know I am coughing while waking up to a big breathing tube is being taken out of my throat! When did they put that thing in anyways?!! They told us they successfully retrieved eleven healthy eggs! Of the eleven, nine successfully fertilized! Within the next five days, chemists would monitor the embryos under a microscope and pick out the two strongest, to implant on "transfer" day.

Yaaayyy transfer day!!! There I was, again in the cold room on the cold bed. They put me out again and went back in my uterus with the large needle and released the two embryos, in hopes that they would implant and we would be pregnant! When I woke up from the transfer, I knew right away if it had worked or not. Patients people! We were sent home and I was on strict bed rest for two days. I would not be able to take a pregnancy test for about two weeks; which was sooo hard! Well, if you know me, you know that I am going to take a test every day starting in about ONE week! So there I was in the bathroom again every morning waiting for a pink line! Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

A few days later...OMG OMG!!! A pink line!!! Wait, Sadie, stop! What if all the drugs you are on somehow made the test turn pink and it's not right? I was once again questioning this wonderful news. I immediately called the clinic and asked the nurse if the drugs they had me on could make my test turn positive. I could hear the smile in her voice as she said, "Nope, if it says positive, it is positive! Congratulations!!!" So...back to the farm I went.