Life in the NICU...

In just a matter of hours, life had changed. I had just delivered (if you call ambushing me and pretty much cutting my baby out in seconds, delivery! lol) my Lil' Lady and was in recovery. I was so high that I really didn't even realize what had just happened! As my sister, Amber reminds me on a regular basis, I apparently looked at her with red eyes and said, "Now I am going to go tanning. And give me back my jeans!..I will fit into them now!" Nice, I know. The next two hours were also a blur. I remember asking if Aubrey was okay, and soon found out that a nurse can never tell you preemie babies are okay. Luckily for the staff at the hospital, I was very drugged up, otherwise there would have been ABSOLUTELY NO WAY they would've kept me from my whole life's purpose. My husband, Steve, had already met Aubrey. When they whisked her away to the NICU, just seconds after birth, he went with her; so that gave me some comfort knowing she was at least breathing (with help). We were told her apgar score was about 1.5.

Finally! We were moved to our room, aka home for the next two months. After getting situated, the nurse finally got me a wheel chair so I could go down the hall to the NICU to meet my world. Aubrey was in an isolette with tubes and a bunch of other things in and on her. She had a hat on which held her oxygen on. Her face was mostly covered, but I immediately saw that she was the most beautiful thing I had ever set eyes on. The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Omg she looks like Steve!" She was just perfect. I asked if I could hold her and they told me no. They then explained that preemies this early had very sensitive skin and it would be painful for Aubrey to be held. They also explained that if I wanted to touch her, I could, but that I could not stroke her skin. We could just lay our hands on her and that is it. Another reason being, when they are that early, they have "spells" which is where they stop breathing and their heart rate drops. I was assured Aubery would have these spells along the way. This was maybe the most terrifying thing I had ever heard! Aubrey was so early that someone notified our Pastor that we had delivered her. Pastor Maland came to baptize Aubrey "just in case". If you can believe it, it actually made me very mad! Not that he was there, because he is amazing and welcome anytime, but that people were actually questioning if our baby was going to live?!!! I knew she was going to make it, why didn't they? Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified at the mere thought of it, but my motherly instinct told me that she was a fighter. I finally got to hold her for a few minutes two days after she was born, Thanksgiving Day, 2006!

I spent pretty much ALL my time in the NICU in the following months. I had a hotel and Steve came when he could, which was often. He is a dairy farmer, so it was complicated. If I was not at the NICU, I was at the hotel sleeping. The first time I stepped foot out of the hospital was when my sister was bringing me to Target to print off some pictures to send home. I had a panic attack and just cried. At Target, I freaked again and made her bring me back immediately. I was by Aubrey's bed so much that the nurses tried to convince me to go get some sleep. All I could do was talk to her, pray, and read every single book on premature birth that I could get my hands on. I wanted to learn EVERYTHING about my daughter. In the NICU, nurses do what they call "cares" every three hours. This consists of taking the babies temperature, feeding, (through a tube in the nose) changing their diaper, and rotating their body so they don't have to stay in the same position all the time. Well, some mom's are too nervous they are going to hurt their babies because they are too small, which I totally understand, but I am her mom, I am going to do her cares! The nurses were very impressed by my instinct and immediate bond to Aubrey. I was always asking questions, and they were always willing to answer them.

Pretty much after the first few days of being in the NICU, Aubrey was doing better than expected. She only needed her C-Pap oxygen for two days. The main reason we had to stay was to simply let her grow and learn how to suck to eat. Her sucking reflex was not yet developed. We began being able to hold Aubrey whenever we wanted, as long as she would tolerate it; and by that I mean not have a spell. Sometimes when preemies get stressed out even from being touched too much, they will spell. One time I was holding Aubrey and Steve had left to go back home a few hours prior, I looked down at her and noticed she was turning blue! Her alarms started ringing and she had stopped breathing! The nurse came over and rubbed her on the chest. Sometimes all they have to do is "remind" them to breathe. Well, that wasn't working. I handed over my baby to the nurse and felt more horrified than one can even imagine. She had to manually pump oxygen into Aubrey's lungs. I had never seen anything like that, nor had I ever been that helpless, terrified, sad, and everything else. I went and called Steve bawling so hard that my head was in my hands. I made him come right back! I know it sounds weird, but I don't like to ask God for favors unless they are very important. I almost feel like I am "wasting" them if I use them on unimportant requests. This was a genuine plea to the Man above. "Please please please God, please! Let her be okay. If you want to take me, do it, as long as she is okay." She ended up being just fine, but I wasn't. In a split second, I could have lost my whole world, once again.

After that big scare, things went pretty smooth during the next two months in the hospital. We did, however, spend Aubrey's first: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Steve's birthday in the NICU. We would've been home sooner, but Aubrey was just not catching on to the sucking and eating thing.