A LOT has changed...

I have got some work to do!  Up until now on my blog, it has been all about my daughter, Aubrey.  Well....now we have another child, Ivy!  I will update on our ivf attempts, new house, and anything else that pops in my head (scary, I know).   I like having the blog because it documents daily life and it is something my girls will be able to look back on someday :)  I would like to continue writing, in raw form, as that is what I am best at...NO FILTERS for this mama!

Bittersweet...

In November, my husband and his brother made the hard decision to sell the cows. We have all known it was coming, but have been holding off until the last possible moment. I call it bittersweet because now we will have more time as a family. Until now, it was nearly impossible to plan family outings, or to just stay home and do nothing at all, TOGETHER.

His grandpa started milking cows on that farm in the 1940's. Steve's parents took over the farm and made a living milking until 1983, when Steve's dad, Gerald passed away. Since then, Steve, his two brothers, and mom have carried on and operated the small family dairy farm. Here are a few pictures from the last night of milking...

Only have 2...

I have a lot to update on here but I want to add some pictures that I don't have yet, so it will have to wait a little while. So, how many times have you been asked what regrets you have had in life? I have always said I do not have any since I learn from everything. I am a true optimist and always try to look at the bright side of things. Tonight I actually stopped to think about that question....

I have two regrets in my life....

One~I regret accumulating all the credit card debt I have. (Not that big of a deal)

Two~I wonder if I would've eaten less salt when I was pregnant with Aubrey, if I would not have gotten high blood pressure, and then preeclampsia; and then she would have maybe been full term. Granted, she is healthy and perfect :) I know they say its a fluke to get what I did, but I know I could have eaten healthier and layed off all the salt that I craved...I just wonder. Nothing I can do about it now. Thank you God for her; I fall deeper in love with her every single day, which I didn't know was possible. She (and maybe more later) is the sole purpose I was put on this earth and I could not ask for a better gift :)

Girls Night...

Here are some pics from "Girls Night". A few weeks ago, my mother in-law, sister in-law, my two nieces, Aubrey, and I went to Brainard to a hotel/water park and then to Paul Bunyan Land the next day. It was a really good time! The kids played in the water while we sat and watched, eating junk food! What more can one ask for?

Well, I guess we did have one minor incident...Aubrey REFUSES to wear pull-ups or little swimmer diapers; so she had her little bikini on without a diaper. BAD IDEA...all of the sudden I was following Aubrey around, taking pictures, when I smelled something not good. I looked up at Aubrey and she was grabbing at her little butt...UH OH...not only was her hand covered, but the floor! I whisked her up and made a run for our room. Of course she had her hands all over me on the way up to the room; yep, we were both covered :(

Summer is over...

Man! I just realized summer is practically over and we have not had any summer fun! I guess I can't say "any" but limited. In May, my sister and I brought the kids to the zoo. I made it out on the lake once, and went on a couple motorcycle rides with my friend Troy. Just seems like the season just zipped right by!

Just some thoughts...

I'm not going to elaborate too much on this, but feel the need to say it. Everyone has struggles. Every single person out there has heartache of some sort. The person you may least expect to need help, needs it. Life is a journey full of ups and downs. Sometimes, when things seem out of control and it feels like nothing is ever going to change, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel I know, but it will come. I may not have a lot of spare time, but I will be there for you; any of you. I don't have all the answers, but I can definitely try!

There are some things in life that are just meant to be. Sometimes it is obvious right away, and sometimes it takes a while to realize. I believe those "things" don't come around all that often and are worth fighting tooth and nail for. Sometimes we might forget what we are fighting for, but it always comes back.

One question I have always had...Why is it we do not totally appreciate our loved ones and close friends until they are gone or we can't see them as often as we want? If anyone has the answer to that, let me know :)

Makin' progress...

Yaay!!! So, not only has Aubrey slept in her OWN bed for the last 5 days; yesterday I sat her on the potty for the 500th time, and she peed!!! I was sooo excited, squeeking, clapping, and everything else I do that I scared her! :( She was so embarrassed! I think she thought I had gone off the deep end? After that, we were chillin' in the livingroom and she asked for a donut, like always, but this time, she said, "I wan't a donut PWEASE?" She got a shy look on her face and paused just before "pwease" came out because she knew I was going to do the "good girl cheer" again! LOL My poor girl has a nut job for a mamma!

This is blurry, but it's cute. Everytime she sits on here, she has to hold daddy's "oderant" and take the cap off. She also demands that her lil' toe nails be painted...I have no idea where the Drama Queen comes from...must be her dad?

Sleeping Beauty...

We are working on getting Aubrey to sleep in her own bed. The other morning, I woke up before her and just watched her sleep. I was thinking that she is a perfect combination of both Steve and I; she is super sensitive and outgoing like me, and very physical and athletic like Steve. As I was watching her sleep, I was thinking I had never seen anything more beautiful...and then she rolled over.....

I got a chuckle out of this beautiful mess :)

That's my girl!

Personality test...

WOW~So I just took a personality test and here are my results! It is creepy how accurate this is! Do you guys agree?

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.

Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Story time...

Just had to put this funny little story in here...This morning I got up for work at 4 am and was sooo quiet taking a shower and getting ready! I was in the laundry room getting dressed and all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye, I saw something (thought it was a werewolf) coming at me a little too fast! It was Aubrey and she scared the hell out of me!!! The light was so bright that she was squinting so bad and said..."Hi Mommy I want miwk?" LOL!!! As soon as I regrouped from my near death experience, I got her some "miwk". The little DQ didn't go back to sleep until 7:30!

4th of July...

We had an awesome 4th...but my damn camera broke so I didn't get very many pictures :( That morning, Aubrey was in a little pageant in a small town in our area. She hates dresses and anything related to being a girl, so you can guess how that went (lol). After that, Aubrey and I went to Brainard for a family BBQ! Steve couldn't make it, so it was just the DQ (drama queen~and no, idk where she gets it) and I on the way up there. I'm bummed that I only have this one pic from the weekend!

Aubrey's "apple"...

Aubrey thinking she's eating an apple... Aubrey realizing she's not eating an apple!

So Aubrey and I went grocery shopping yesterday and I have e hilarious story to share! We were almost done shopping and went to the produce section. I was putting veggies in the cart and turned to grab some more, when all of the sudden I hear....CRUNCH!!! It was the sound of biting into an apple. Before I could turn around, I heard the little lady say, "Aube eat an apple?" When I looked at her, I laughed so hard! Not only did she take ONE bite of the green pepper, she took two! I don't think I have ever seen a more priceless look on her face; the "holy crap wtf is that mom" look! LOL!!! Umm, well maybe you had to be there, but it was the best :)

Dr. Update...

Just a quick update...went to the Dr. today for my follow up. I had another ultrasound to see if any of the cysts were coming back. There were some, but nothing she is too worried about. She decided to let things be for now, and wants me to come back in October for another ultrasound. If they are back again (which they almost for sure will be) we will discuss further what we need to do. Sooo....nothing for now!

Beach Baby...

Yesterday, my sister and I took the kids to the beach. It was HOT! I wanted to post some cute pics of the kids on here, but unfortunatly my ghetto booty was in most of them! LOL ;) Is it just me, or does anyone else notice that Aubrey always has a disgusted look on her face when I kiss her?!!!

A little off topic...tomorrow I have a follow up appointment for the surgery I had three weeks ago. I will have an ultrasound to see if anything is coming back; I will post again after it :)

Party Like It's 1999...

We had my husbands 10 year class reunion this weekend! He is two years older than me, but we have been together for 12 years, so it was like my reunion too! It was a blast! My sister also graduated with Steve, so we got a few fun pictures :) Friday night, we all met out at Zorbaz; which was out of control! It was an absolute blast! Thank goodness everyone got home safely. Saturday we had dinner at Thumper Pond Golf Club in Ottertail. That was also a good time, but Friday was definitely the highlight of the weekend :)

Surgery update...

Man I look pretty in this picture! Yeah, not so much ;)

Finally!!! Back to a computer other than my phone! Surgery went good, I guess. Apparently I was in the OR for an hour and a half! Steve and my mom had some bonding time in the waiting room. Steve told me later that my mom was like, "I don't know where she gets that mean streak from! Sometimes she can be such a brat!" UGH!!!...well okay, she's right. At least nobody has called me Kate Gossling yet! Lol I think that's why he loves me; he never knows what is coming next! Yesterday he asked how one night I can be so sweet and the next such a crabby you know what!...well okay, he's right too!

My Dr. said she has never seen anyone so messed up in there! She said part of my stomach was stuck to my ovary with scar tissue, as well as my tubes and anything else you can think of. She said she has never seen so much scar tissue and that it looks like someone dumped a bunch of cement in there! I have to go back in for an appointment in two weeks. I will have another ultrasound done to see if the cysts are coming back. We asked if this mess was going to affect our plans for In Vitro again in the not so far future, and she said it shouldn't. She did, however, say that after we are done having kids, she wants to take all my girl plumbing out except my uterus. I really hope Aubrey doesn't have any of these problems when she is older.

Randomness...

We don't have much going on around here to share; we are quite boring! I did, however, get to go on a motorcycle ride this past week! It was a blast! My sister and I rode with a couple of our friends, Jim and Greg, as well as a group of people from our area. I definitely learned a lesson....braid your hair before riding! I got up the next morning at 4:00 am for work and was almost in tears combing out the tangles! I was in sooo much pain I just threw it in a nasty ponytail for the day! The picture above is from the ride, it's blurry, but fun! It's me and my big sis!

Anyways, my surgery is this Monday at 10:30...I'm sure that will be a great time ;) Hey I get to be lazy for a few days with no shame!!! Can I be annoying for a minute? I just have to say that I have the most awesome husband ever! I am a goofy girl and am ALWAYS coming up with some crazy new idea; Steve is the most understanding and accepting person I know! Just had to throw that in, he's pretty awesome :) Love you Babe!

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!...

On Sunday, my sister, Amber, and I decided to take the kids to the zoo in Wahpeton, ND. It was a perfect day! The weather was perfect, and the kids had a blast! Aubrey is totally a farm girl~she LOVED the animals! In the fish tank picture, Aubrey was saying, "Hi baby Nemo!"

It's nothing serious!!!...

The Dr. called yesterday to tell me that all of my labs came back perfect!!! Weew! I really thought this was going to be something bad. I will still have surgery on June 1st, but at least we know it is nothing to be worried about! Thanks for all the prayers~they worked! :)

So there's this girl I know...

This girl I know went to the Dr. yesterday because she has just not been feeling right. She has been having pelvic pain and weird symptoms. Her doctor did an exam and noticed a big lump of some sort near or on her ovary so decided to do an ultrasound to see what the heck it was! After the ultrasound, she went back up to see the doctor and see what showed up. Her Dr. told her she was a mess in there! Nice, just what every girl wants to hear lol! The doctor explained to her that she would like to do surgery to get a closer look at the "mess", since the ultrasound showed a few questionable masses. The girl is a very positive and optimistic person and decided that since her Dr. wasn't too worried, she wouldn't be either. Her Dr. is the one who has done all her prior surgeries and she totally trusts her. These masses could be anything from large cysts, to the scary "c" word. Her Dr. did, however, say the "c" word was not something she was too worried about.

This girl does not want anyone to worry about her; she will be fine. Whether it is something small, or something big, it will be taken care of. It has to be, because I have a little girl to take care of :) My surgery is scheduled for June 1st. Look at the bright side, I wont have any NEW scars, she can just use all the ones from past surgeries! ;)

Mother's Day...

I had a pretty kick~ass Mother's Day! First we went to my mom's house for a BBQ. My husband Steve and my brother Noah were talked into, by my mom, setting up a swing set for her daycare. During that time, I pulled Aubrey around in a wagon and she had a blast! After that, we went to our Goddaughters' 3rd birthday party. Aubrey once again had a blast playing on all their playground equipment and toys! It was a very nice day; and to top it off, the hubby got me an hour long massage!!!

Nail Polish!!!...

So as I was saying, we are doing the whole potty training thing. Well, it has not been going so well; which is fine, because I don't want to push her. It seems like she is terrified of her pink little potty chair! It is the one that sits on the floor (see picture in last entry). A friend of mine recommended we buy the seat that just lays over the regular toilet. Well.....she likes it!!! She is not scared of it at all and actually gets a really cute, proud big girl look on her face while she is sitting on it! She is such a little Pip Squeak that I was afraid her tiny butt would fall in! LOL

There are, however, stipulations to this whole sitting on the potty deal, since Aubrey apparently wears the pants in our family. If she agrees to sit on the "big girl potty" I have to paint her toenails with the "pointer" aka nail polish while she sits on there. This is NOT a one time deal guys! She MUST have her toenails painted EVERY SINGLE TIME she sits on it! Have you ever seen a 2 1/2 year old little girl with 32 coats of nail polish on her toes??? Me either, until now. Man that stuff starts getting sticky after so many applications!

On another note...Steve and I have been talking about when we would like to have another baby! As you know, we will need In Vito again, so it's all about planning and timing. We are hoping to go for it sometime around fall or winter. Last night I asked Aubrey if she wanted a sister or a brother and she goes, "A sister. I'll have a sister please." I about died! It was maybe the cutest thing ever! An hour later, she told daddy she actually wants a brother. Hmm, maybe it will be twins! Oh boy.

Do what!?!

Umm, okay so we are trying to get Aubrey to understand that we "pee on the potty". If I put the pink little potty chair in the living room she will come up to me and ask for stickers, because she knows that if she sits on her potty she will get one. So, I sit her on there and she sticks stickers all over her legs...nice. I think that is a great start to this process! She still hasn't done anything on the potty chair, but she is understanding apparently, because all if her dollies are now taking turns sitting on (in) it. "Elmo go potty?" she says as she gives her 5 Elmo dolls swirlies! Poor Elmo!

Please ignore the mess!

Want more funnies? Well get this!...Aubrey and I were taking a nap the other day, so I thought, and all of the sudden I was rudely awakened by "Brobie" from Yo Gabba Gabba (her fav show aka obsession) being shoved in my fave with full force! As I was coming to consciousness, I hear the Lil' Lady say, "Brobie pee on mommy! Brobie pee on mommy!" Nice, thanks Babe.

That green thing below? That's Brobie

I feel good...

Man! I actually feel energized! I started on Weight Watchers and started working out just within the last week and already feel a change! I actually have energy, feel better about myself, and don't feel like being a couch potato all day. Honestly though, it takes EVERYTHING I have to get myself to the gym, especially when I worked the night before. Today I went to bed at 6:00am. Aubrey and I slept until 1:00 pm. I got up, changed her 5 lb diaper, gave her "cerweal" and let the puppy outside. After that, I laid on the couch and thought about not going to the gym before I had to go back to work at 5:00pm. I called my husband because I knew he would motivate me to go. It worked...I got my ass up and got dressed. What a pain though; seriously! I have to pack all my shower crap and my uniform. When I walk into the gym, it looks like I am moving in! Since I work at a Sheriff's Office, I wear a brown uniform; well, imagine me in my uniform leaving the gym wearing GRAY NIKE'S! Nice right? I forgot my black shoes at home! That was yesterday. Today I was determined not to forget anything...not only did I forget my undershirt, I forgot my black belt! Damn it! Not a comfortable night sitting here without my undershirt to tuck in, and without my belt! I swear my ass crack and muffin top are making an unwelcome entrance every now and then :( Here's to better days!

Time for a change...

I have been meaning to update the blog lately, but have been struggling on finding a topic! How sad is that! ;) So I am just going to start typing and see what happens!

I have always loved the fact that I am a very positive and optimistic person. I always see the good in a situation before I see the bad, but let's face it, the world sucks right now! Every time I turn on the computer or catch the news, I am seeing more violence! Just today I see three officers were shot and killed in Pennsylvania! I see hard working families losing their homes to foreclosure and more and more businesses going under. How about that add circulating right now with that disturbing picture of starving children?...heartbreaking. I work as a dispatcher in law enforcement and it seems as though a majority of the calls lately have been either domestics or restraining order violations. Even the happiest people I know seem to be a little depressed!

In light of the sucky economy, I have decided it is time to uplift my mood and better myself! This "change" came a little too late. Last week, I got some dreaded news...our family would be having a pool party in light of my grandpa's 92nd birthday! Dreaded you ask?...Okay I am a drama queen...the dreaded part is that I am not exactly in tip top shape and my super cute, beautiful, skinny, and everything else soon to be sister-in-law was coming! Now don't get me wrong, I love Maria, but seriously? Do I really have to wear a swim suit infront of her? Lol!!! I know my sister, Amber, was thinking the same thing too! (Whatever Amber, you sooo were!) The party was in the cities, so we had about a 2.5 hour drive. Our Lil' Lady, also a drama queen, Aubrey does NOT like long car rides, so we were a little worried but she did pretty good! She also likes to be a little stinker at times she should be having fun, so we thought she would freak when we got her in the pool...SHE LOVED IT!!! Daddy was holding her and she started kicking like she was in the Olympics! It was sooo cute! Another adorable part...she was looking for Nemo!!! Steve and I decide it was time to go in the hot tub so we got out and gave Aubrey to grandma to play...she freaked! My cousin volunteered to take her back in the pool. Judging by the blue tinted lips on our daughter, it was time to get out about another hour later. This did not happen without a fight. P.S. I was out of the pool and dressed again by the time Maria got there, hehe! ;)

Back to the bettering myself part. Like I said before, I work 12 hour shifts without much, okay, any physical activity. I have heard a lot of dispatchers say they put on a bunch of weight since they started the job. This IS NOT going to be the case for me! I started looking into a few gyms in the area and found one I like! I am very excited to start.

You make me smile...

Oh the lack of "think before you speak" a two year old has! Apparently my kid is psychic, because every time she does something, she knows what I am going to say and says it before I even have a chance! Although Aubrey has yet to make me want to crawl under a table and hide, she does have a few cute things I just have to share...

This morning out of nowhere, she let out this monster sneeze. Before I could even say a word, she looked at me with a concerned face and said, "Bless you Honey!" Aubrey has recently learned that after we take a sip of milk or juice, the sippy cup goes on the table, not the floor; so every time she puts it on the table, she says, "Good girl Honey!" After almost every diaper change, I hear, "I all better?" Oh, and I love love love the next few...In the mornings, I usually wake up to a little blonde girl about one inch from my face saying, "I wuv you." That right there is enough to make for a great day. When we go down for nap time, Aubrey sometimes rubs the side of my face very gently and just looks into my eyes. Man I could go on forever!

After reading the last paragraph, I know what some of you mamma's are thinking. "She still let's her kid sleep in their bed?" and "Why isn't she potty trained yet?" Well, to be honest, I am only working on one of those topics presently. Let's talk about the sleeping arrangement first...I work twelve hour shifts, 5:00 to 5:00. It flip flops every month whether I work days or nights. When I work nights, as you can imagine, I cannot get home soon enough (as my co workers will confirm, due to a slight lead foot). I am a dispatcher at a Sheriff's Office, so you can probably imagine some of the calls we take. All I want to do is get home and crawl into bed because I know there is a healthy, beautiful, innocent angel waiting for me. My husband leaves for work when I get home, so I get to curl up to my Lil' Lady by myself! I usually watch her sleep and listen to her breathe, while thanking God she is ours, before going to sleep.

On to potty training...Wow it is hard to potty train! Aubrey was showing absolutely NO interest in the subject until I was told to buy the "Elmo Potty Time" video (thanks Joy ;). That has now become Aubrey's obsession. We watch Elmo on a daily occurrence more than I would like to admit. I actually know the songs! Anyways, since we got the video, she wants to sit on her pink little potty chair at night before bed! We are making progress!

This last story will tell you what the heck Aubrey was doing in the picture above. I shape my eyebrows ALL THE TIME. So the other day when I was doing just that, I had to run to the other room for I swear ONE second. When I came back, Aubrey was trying to pluck her own eyebrows!!! She is very sensitive, so every time she does something cute and I laugh, she cries. It took everything I had not to bust out when I saw this! No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't contain it, so....she cried! I'm sorry Aubrey you are just too cute!

I never knew...

I never thought it would be cute when my child colored all over the coffee table. I never knew that while trying to get mad, you wouldn't be able to wipe that big grin off your face? I never knew my heart could go from extreme joy while watching my little girl play on the couch, to such guilt when she falls off. And when she dumps her soup all over the kitchen floor just to draw shapes in it with her fingers?....I never knew I would sit next to her and make my own shapes. Did you know you could wake from a dead sleep and get across the house in 2 seconds flat just to calm a crying child? When you are starving, did you know you would stay hungry just to feed your baby first? Did you know it was possible to burst out in tears just because the love you feel is so overwhelming? And did you know you would sit in the bathroom that long just to play with rubber duckies and Barbies in the tub?Who knew that watching your child sleep in the morning would make your entire day better? Who knew you could feel like the luckiest person in the world just for knowing one tiny person? And who knew that you would lay down your own life in an instant just to save hers? Who knew, who knew?

We're home! Now what?...

The day we have been waiting for! January 16th, 2006 we brought our little pink bundle of joy home! How exciting, right? Well, yes, but I had been gone so long that home, didn't feel like home anymore. I actually missed the hospital because that was where I had spent the past two months. Still, to this day when I go to St. Cloud, I feel a little "at home". Steve was comfortable at home because he had been commuting every few days back and forth, but I hadn't. After we had been home for a while, Steve had to go check on things at the farm. There we were, Aubrey and I sitting on the couch wondering what to do! I know it sounds silly, but I had no clue what to do! I had a little bit of anxiety about being in my own home! I was pumping every two to three hours, so that kept me busy. Aubrey was sleeping most of the time, so I slept too. I felt like I wanted to watch her every second just to make sure she was breathing.

We actually were/are very lucky with Aubrey's sleep schedule. She has pretty much slept through the night since a few weeks after we got her home. Please don't hate me ladies, but I never had the "sleep deprivation" I hear so many suffer from! Thank you Aubrey! Weeew! I am a sleeper, so I'm sure our next child (if we are blessed with one) will keep me up all night just for saying that! (lol) There was only one night I had to put her in the car and drive around the gravel road.

We soon fell into our routine and things have been great ever since! Aubrey is now 27 months old! I like to call her my lil' Drama Queen, so if you hear me refer to her as "DQ" that is what I mean ;) I am so utterly in love with this girl. I don't remember what life was like before we had her. From this point on in this blog, I will be sharing stories and milestones. Steve and I plan on trying to go through in Vito again in the next year, so you will have to stay tuned for that whole process! Thanks for following us through our journey!

Life in the NICU...

In just a matter of hours, life had changed. I had just delivered (if you call ambushing me and pretty much cutting my baby out in seconds, delivery! lol) my Lil' Lady and was in recovery. I was so high that I really didn't even realize what had just happened! As my sister, Amber reminds me on a regular basis, I apparently looked at her with red eyes and said, "Now I am going to go tanning. And give me back my jeans!..I will fit into them now!" Nice, I know. The next two hours were also a blur. I remember asking if Aubrey was okay, and soon found out that a nurse can never tell you preemie babies are okay. Luckily for the staff at the hospital, I was very drugged up, otherwise there would have been ABSOLUTELY NO WAY they would've kept me from my whole life's purpose. My husband, Steve, had already met Aubrey. When they whisked her away to the NICU, just seconds after birth, he went with her; so that gave me some comfort knowing she was at least breathing (with help). We were told her apgar score was about 1.5.

Finally! We were moved to our room, aka home for the next two months. After getting situated, the nurse finally got me a wheel chair so I could go down the hall to the NICU to meet my world. Aubrey was in an isolette with tubes and a bunch of other things in and on her. She had a hat on which held her oxygen on. Her face was mostly covered, but I immediately saw that she was the most beautiful thing I had ever set eyes on. The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Omg she looks like Steve!" She was just perfect. I asked if I could hold her and they told me no. They then explained that preemies this early had very sensitive skin and it would be painful for Aubrey to be held. They also explained that if I wanted to touch her, I could, but that I could not stroke her skin. We could just lay our hands on her and that is it. Another reason being, when they are that early, they have "spells" which is where they stop breathing and their heart rate drops. I was assured Aubery would have these spells along the way. This was maybe the most terrifying thing I had ever heard! Aubrey was so early that someone notified our Pastor that we had delivered her. Pastor Maland came to baptize Aubrey "just in case". If you can believe it, it actually made me very mad! Not that he was there, because he is amazing and welcome anytime, but that people were actually questioning if our baby was going to live?!!! I knew she was going to make it, why didn't they? Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified at the mere thought of it, but my motherly instinct told me that she was a fighter. I finally got to hold her for a few minutes two days after she was born, Thanksgiving Day, 2006!

I spent pretty much ALL my time in the NICU in the following months. I had a hotel and Steve came when he could, which was often. He is a dairy farmer, so it was complicated. If I was not at the NICU, I was at the hotel sleeping. The first time I stepped foot out of the hospital was when my sister was bringing me to Target to print off some pictures to send home. I had a panic attack and just cried. At Target, I freaked again and made her bring me back immediately. I was by Aubrey's bed so much that the nurses tried to convince me to go get some sleep. All I could do was talk to her, pray, and read every single book on premature birth that I could get my hands on. I wanted to learn EVERYTHING about my daughter. In the NICU, nurses do what they call "cares" every three hours. This consists of taking the babies temperature, feeding, (through a tube in the nose) changing their diaper, and rotating their body so they don't have to stay in the same position all the time. Well, some mom's are too nervous they are going to hurt their babies because they are too small, which I totally understand, but I am her mom, I am going to do her cares! The nurses were very impressed by my instinct and immediate bond to Aubrey. I was always asking questions, and they were always willing to answer them.

Pretty much after the first few days of being in the NICU, Aubrey was doing better than expected. She only needed her C-Pap oxygen for two days. The main reason we had to stay was to simply let her grow and learn how to suck to eat. Her sucking reflex was not yet developed. We began being able to hold Aubrey whenever we wanted, as long as she would tolerate it; and by that I mean not have a spell. Sometimes when preemies get stressed out even from being touched too much, they will spell. One time I was holding Aubrey and Steve had left to go back home a few hours prior, I looked down at her and noticed she was turning blue! Her alarms started ringing and she had stopped breathing! The nurse came over and rubbed her on the chest. Sometimes all they have to do is "remind" them to breathe. Well, that wasn't working. I handed over my baby to the nurse and felt more horrified than one can even imagine. She had to manually pump oxygen into Aubrey's lungs. I had never seen anything like that, nor had I ever been that helpless, terrified, sad, and everything else. I went and called Steve bawling so hard that my head was in my hands. I made him come right back! I know it sounds weird, but I don't like to ask God for favors unless they are very important. I almost feel like I am "wasting" them if I use them on unimportant requests. This was a genuine plea to the Man above. "Please please please God, please! Let her be okay. If you want to take me, do it, as long as she is okay." She ended up being just fine, but I wasn't. In a split second, I could have lost my whole world, once again.

After that big scare, things went pretty smooth during the next two months in the hospital. We did, however, spend Aubrey's first: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Steve's birthday in the NICU. We would've been home sooner, but Aubrey was just not catching on to the sucking and eating thing.